Well, it’s Friday… which means the long week has finally winded down and we can celebrate the weekend’s arrival. Everybody’s working for the weekend right?

I’ve decided that I’ll end off each Friday by featuring my favorite dressed celebs of the week. It’s such an easy and fun post to write! Superficial yes, but fun nonetheless!

If anyone still wonders about the magnetic powers of a woman in her 40’s (anyone?) they need only see Halle in this show-stopping, jaw-dropping dress. Man, how is it possible to stay so eternally perfect?

I hate reality shows, so I’m obviously not a big fan of Kim Kardashian. But this look is spectacular! Phenomenal! Ethereal! Exquisite! Where’s my thesaurus when I need it!

I love the colour and I love the fit. I just love all of it! How many people can pull off a pant-suit this amazingly? My guess is not too many. That’s why Kate Hudson is so cool. The shoes are cute too!

And how many men can pull off man-suits like David Beckham?! I got over my infatuation with him years ago… but I think this picture is re-igniting those feelings. Navy is my new favorite colour. I’m not too impressed with that lady friend of his – whatever her name is. (Pardon my haterism!)

Out of the 9 of us who saw this movie the other day, only one said he really liked it. One said it was “okay”. The rest of us had less flattering things to say:

“I struggled to stay awake”

“The love scene was bizarre”

“It was so damn long”

“This movie was lame”

“WTF?”

That last one was me – what the fudge? Actually, I was the one who said all those things, but I’m pretty certain most of us shared the sentiments. While it wasn’t a terrible film (there are indeed some special moments), it failed to portray Watchmen as “one of the most celebrated graphic novels of all time”. The remedy? Read on.

1. Cut the Length

It’s 9pm on a Friday. You’ve had a long day. Minor inconveniences forced you to rush to the theater, so you didn’t get to use the bathroom beforehand.  Two hours into the film and you’re just waiting for it to end, because A.) you’re tired, and B.) you need to pee.

I know this isn’t the movie’s fault. But I think the length wouldn’t have mattered so much if it just didn’t feel long. Watchmen felt so unending especially for a film that skimps on action and insists on incesssant dialogue. Which brings me to my next point:

2. Increase the ratio of action to dialogue

I’m not a fan of excessive, mindless action; I prefer a conversation-laden film. But a movie of this magnitude requires a certain level of visual excitement to remain relevant. Yes, the story strays from the usual superficial superhero superflick as it had important things to say. I suppose it would be unfair to blame the writers for my own failure to keep up with Manhattan’s long-winded thesis on corruption, the human condition, morality and all its millions of implications. There was just too much to digest within a three hour frame. It was a case of too much being said, with too little being done. Watching this movie on mute would be no fun.

3. Create better aesthetics

The trailer leads us to expect something dark, mysterious and sophisticated.  Something visually sleek, rich and less flashy – something visionary. But the trailer was deceptive. True, the tone was more subdued and it relied less on saturated hues and excessive explosions and random car chases and such…but there was a low-caliber feel to it all. Maybe it was the costumes. I know they’re based on old designs, but was there not a way to modernize them – to decheesify them for contemporary cinema? I’m specifically referring to Silk Spectre’s weird vinyl get-up, and Night Owl’s Batman knock-off with the cheap night-vision goggles. Rorschach’s shifting ink-blot mask was pretty rad – and that’s all I have to say about that!

4. Change the cast

Rorschach was an interesting character – but only with his “face” on. Otherwise he reminded me a tad of Danny Bonnaduce – not quite how I picture  my masked mavens. Matthew Goode’s Ozymandias resembled an effeminate 80’s new wave pop star, in both appearance and mannerisms. This is not a criticism, just an observation. The last time I saw Malin Akerman was in 27 Dresses as the younger, snottier, blond sister. I couldn’t fully accept her as Silk Spectre. She wasn’t bad, but I just wasn’t feeling it. Billy Crudup was well-suited as Dr. Manhattan, but the blue, emotionally-muted character almost easily plays itself. I suppose each actor on their own was more or less fine, but as a whole there was something missing, something that would unify the cast like X-Men or Justice League or other superhero clans who band together to thwart evil forces. I would also vote to include more of the gorgeous Carla Gugino, who was grossly under-used and accelerated in age. A far cry from those Bon Jovi days.

5. Remove soundtrack oddities

There were two important scenes with well-chosen songs: The beginning with “Times Are A-Changin”, by Bob Dylan, which signaled a very promising start, and the funeral scene with “Sound of Silence” by Simon and Garfunkel, supporting important flashbacks in the midst of a sombre moment. Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” seemed oddly misplaced, an oddness that only added to the already laughably awkward moment. You know which one I’m talking about.

I know people out there will object to these five points, claiming that Watchmen is an “intelligent” film, and anyone who can’t appreciate the movie surely isn’t intellectually equipped for it. They’ll say that we only want action without substance, words without meaning and characters without complexity. And I’ll whisper “No!”

Watchmen does indeed tell a stellar story, one that asks us to challenge the very notion of “superheroes”, to examine the repercussions of putting all our faith into our leaders and thereby relinquishing our own personal responsibility - politically, socially and morally. It’s not a story that forces us to completely suspend our belief and succumb to make-believe the way Superman or Spiderman do (The Dark Knight will always remain in a class all its own). Watchmen, though set in an alternate reality, seems more rooted in real life than other works of fiction, as the layers of social commentary are rife with a certain profundity that ultimately, just does not translate well to the big screen.

While it warrants important discussions, the story is reduced to a second-rate sci-fi reel, which only makes me wonder how much better the film would’ve been were Alan Moore on board. His refusal probably had something to do with DC screwing him over, and I completely understand that. But it could’ve made all the difference if the guy who created Watchmen were at least consulted.

Then again, perhaps my criticisms are all trivial; maybe I’m nit-picking only because I can’t quite pin-point exactly why I didn’t like it. All I know is that I didn’t. The movie medium just could not wholly articulate the heavy discourse I assume Moore intended, while the ambitions of the filmmakers seemed to exceed the comprehending capacity of the average viewer.

Given our short attention span they might have better luck if they take on Minutemen.

What do you think?

If there’s one thing that’s sure to trigger my anger, it’s a bad movie. And even worse, bad movies that earn top dollars at the box office. In an attempt to buck this trend (if it exists) I’ve generated a list of possibly bad movies I’ll be boycotting this year.

1. Fast and Furious

You know it’s time to fire your agent when the best they can do for you is a role reprisal of a stale franchise you did eight years ago. I mean, sure it was cool back then, maybe because we were younger and everything… but I’m guessing most of the movie’s original fanbase has grown up and moved on with their lives and no longer care about this juvenile rubbish. I bet it will be full of fast cars, hot girls, a “cool” soundtrack and bad acting by Paul Walker. Lots and lots of it – like an overflowing excess that might even spawn a FIFTH installment. Oh dear.

2. Dragonball: Evolution

Whenever I think of Dragonball I think of Asian kids with funky hair drinking bubble tea at Internet cafes in Chinatown (in my hometown of Montreal, at least). But then again, what do I know about Dragonball? I was also kind of surprised to learn that Goku would be played by a white dude – isn’t Goku Japanese? He’s not? Whatevs, as if it really matters to me.

3. Obsessed

Hmm, Ali Larter playing a character who resembles her ‘Heroes’ counterpart? I think I’ll pass. And I’m a Beyonce fan, but only when she’s singing. This movie looks to be nonsensical, and thus non-enjoyable. Better suited for NBC as a late-night thriller…or something. (My apologies to Zac!)

This is all that comes to mind right now, but I’m sure there’ll be plenty more to add, for bad movies are never in short supply.

If you knew a movie was going to be REALLY bad, would you watch it anyway?

The logical thing would be not to, but as Street Fighter proves, logic can be a limited resource.

I knew from the trailer that this film would feature amateur fight sequences, absurd dialogue, cheesy special effects and some of the worst acting I would ever legally witness. Studios the world over should sue this production for calling itself a “film”, because it misses the mark on so many levels and brings its genre down to a whole new low, if that were even possible.

Damn, where to even start. It starts off with the drabbest narrator ever. Kristin Kreuk as Chun-Li sounds like she’s channeling her former Smallville self, Lana Lang with her unconvincing read of a poorly written text that only serves to highlight the movie’s inadequacies, such as effective dialogue, visual cues, and proper pacing. The narration is simply a way to skimp on actual story development – a shortcut device. Instead of letting the viewer intuitively figure out the plot’s progression, the voice-over spells it all out.

I don’t even remember the details of the movie, except that it begins with a young Chun-Li learning what looks like Tai Chi with her father. Then one day he gets kidnapped by Bison and his thugs. Fast-forward to present day and Chun-Li finds herself in Thailand, looking for the perpetrators, or a man who could lead her to answers – or something. She lives and fights on the streets, and meets a guy named Spider, (aka Lui Kang from Mortal Kombat) who helps her harness her inner powers and become a lethal warrior of sorts. And a slew of other characters come into play, played by the likes of Michael Clarke Duncan and Taboo from The Black Eyed Peas, who’s presence was pretty inconsequential. Cringe-inducing dialogue occurs at every turn (Chun-Li says to Vega, “If I had a face like yours, I’d wear a mask too” – wow, genius). But what could you really expect from a movie who’s most profound (and thrice used) line is “Sometimes you have to stand up, even when standing isn’t easy.” Whatever you say, T.J. Hooker!

The one actor that really boggled my mind was Chris Klein, who it seems, was just plucked from post-American Pie obscurity and dropped into this pseudo-blockbuster barf bucket. That’s gross, I know, but Klein’s razzy-inspired performance was pretty revolting, easily among the most ridiculous there’s ever been. (Sorry, I don’t mean to be mean but that’s all I can be after seeing what I’ve seen!) Was he just playing, or were the sleazeball snarls and jerky sneers part of his usual acting arsenal, even when it was uncalled for? I mean, he was supposed to be the good guy for goodness sakes! Watching his slime-infested line recitals made me feel so visually-violated – I’ve really never seen such a thing. However, I have considered that maybe – just maybe – he was all too aware of how bad this movie was and thought it would be clever to give a purposefully poor performance – this is highly plausible – but it doesn’t make watching him any less painful. I’m pretty sure the director gave him one of the tombstone props off the set and said “Here Chris, give this to your career.”

Fortunately, amidst all the movie-viewing agony, there was a faint saving grace, and I emphasize faint, because this movie is irredemptive. The one light at the end of it all, Kristin Kreuk, was surprisingly impressive (aside from the bland narration). In fact, it really seemed as if she was the only actor who took the whole project seriously (poor thing). She capably channeled her inner street fighter, working with whatever scraps were handed to her, and for someone who isn’t a martial artist, pulled off the fight scenes relatively well. (Of course, the fight scenes were pretty craptacular, thanks to the practically visible wire work, but that wasn’t her fault). Honestly, Kristin Kreuk was my only real reason for watching this campy, should’ve-gone-straight-to-DVD B-no make that a C-movie.

After only a couple weeks, I think they’ve already completely pulled it out of theaters. That’s how bad it was. The end of the film tries to hint at a possible Ryu-centered third Street Fighter installment. But in the infamous words of G-Dubbya B, ”Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice… and you can’t fool me thrice!” (Ok so he didn’t quite say that). But it’s pretty safe to assume the Street Fighter franchise has been sufficiently annihilated.

The trailer for Public Enemies is finally here. Coolness! I must say, Johnny Depp looks quite dapper in his suit. Special thanks to JJ for the link!